You cannot do it
I told a friend via MSN just a few days ago that I am planning to move slowly towards business and managerial role. The friend (who is a recruitment agent), without hesitation, replied “You cannot do it“. I could feel my blood pressure shot up at that moment.
Yes, I was angry. Angry not because she told me I can’t do it. I do know my own capabilities pretty well and it’s obvious that with my current skills and experiences, I will not able to secure a managerial opportunity. This, I know clearly and probably better than everyone else. What I was really angry of was the way she replied me.
Imagine this, you have this big idea and have a solid plan on how to make it happen. Then you approached a friend, only to receive a blunt reply from him – “you cannot do it”. That’s very demotivating, isn’t it? I do understand that some people do seriously think that you cannot do it, but rather than pouring cold water on you, maybe it’s better to encourage you in a nicer way or at least explain to you why he thinks it’s a bad idea? Because at the end of the day, the reason you approach your friends and family members is to ask for their support or opinions. Not to make yourself feeling more depressed and demotivated. That is why something such as “you cannot do it”, is the last thing you should hear from someone close to you.
The same thing should also be done when someone approaches you to talk about his plan, dreams, goals, etc. Be a good listener even if you cannot help. Just be there and LISTEN. If you feel like telling him what you feel about the whole thing, put it in a nicer way. Give your honest assessment and also some ideas as to how you think the person can solve the problems that you’re worried about. Don’t ever say “you cannot do it” or anything which holds no meaning other than to demotivate the person. Because if you want to demotivate the person, then you’re better off not saying anything because you won’t be helping the person at all.
I know that whatever I’ve said here is pretty obvious and anyone with common sense should be able to realize it. But I also know that to realize something and to do it at the same time, can be quite difficult for some people. For this group of people, they need to realize how much weight their words carry and what are the impacts their words have on the life of other people. If they sincerely want to help, then don’t demotivate people. If they don’t want to help, then just shut up.
Conclusion, I believe that friends and family members should always be there to help and support each other. If someone approaches you to explain his plans, goals and dreams, that means he trusts you and you should respect that trust. Help him out. Motivate him. Explain to him. If you cannot do all those, then the only thing you can do is not to demotivate him.
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Yeah, the other thing that I HATE, HATE, HATE the most is when somebody (God forbids, your boss) tells you “No, you’re wrong.”
Seriously, if I thought you were wrong, I would put it in a nicer way and I would ask you to double check the figures, or I would ask you to check the email again. I would even offer help to re-calculate everything, all over again.
But no, you just came to me and said, “No, you’re wrong.”
And guess what? I could have gotten back to you with a “I told you so!” when you found out later that it was YOU who got it wrongly, but I didn’t. Why? Because I know being told “I told you so!” isn’t a good feeling.
Some people should be more tactful when dealing with other people, especially when emotions are involved.
So, my advice, Alvin, is to stay away from people who think you can’t do this or that.
Ah Alvin, you’re such a nice guy.
Where’s your headhunter friend from, some province in old Fujien or something?
There’s a Chinese philosophy about thick face black heart. I recomend you read it up. The original version I mean. There’s an English book out there with the same title but its not as kick-ass as the 8th century original I think.
Thats why Nike sells , Just do it .
I live by a motto , i surround myself with people who will encourage me and help me grow .
And to those who are there to suck my energy and discourage me . I will just ask them to Fck off . Even if they are close to me .
There is a big difference between constructive criticism and putting-you-down-to-make-me-feel-better
gapnap´s last blog ..Can Money Buy Friendship?
@pelf
yeah, there’s always a nicer way to tell people things which they don like to hear. sometimes being direct is good, but being too direct is not good at all. Some people think they are just being honest and nice, so they want to help u by being too direct. I think they should change their approach if they really want to help.
@Damien Tan
thick face black heart? o_O i cant read chinese ler. maybe will try find the english version?
me nice meh? haha. do u actually mean “nice”?
@gapnap
yes, thats 1 thing some people do – remove the naysayers from your life. we all love a good mixture of constructive and destructive comments (the former is better of course). but if people wanna give destructive comments, pls pls pls…give us some good reasons why you are saying that.
just follow your dreams, plans and goal. the decision is yours. good luck
@equinoxdezign
thanks!
Yeap. Good piece of advice.
In this situation, we can always ask back “why do you think I can’t do it”?
It really depends on how you look at this and sometimes you don’t want your family or your love one 100% support you blindly too.
For me, I would be more interesting on the “Why”. If someone really support you, why? If they don’t, why? See whether the why makes any sense to you and perhaps we can learn something out of it. I will probably angry only if they can’t give a single reasons at all and simply says for the sack of saying…
ChampDog´s last blog ..Are You Ready in 21st Century? Speak Chinese?
People are entitled to their own opinion, sometimes it is nice to hear other times not. Thus, always follow your inner heart’s voice. Don’t be the elephant that grew up thinking that a small chain is holding him back..anyone heard of that story before?
@ChampDog
Yeap, if proper reasons are being given as to why I can’t do it, then it’s fine. At least I learn the weaknesses and will try to improve.
But there are some people who never give the proper reasons. To them, a NO is a NO, there’s no WHY.
And well, sometimes, even if there’s a WHY, it wouldn’t hurt to put it in a nicer way.
I think at the end of the day, it really depends on the person’s intentions – is he really trying to help, or is he just giving lame excuses, or he’s just want to drown you.
@Knowthymoney
People are always entitled to their opinions – freedom of speech. But we also have the freedom to choose what kind of people to surround ourselves with. Having a few negative-thinking, confidence bashing friends around us are okay but having too many of those can be very unhealthy.