I used to think that fate is controlled by us…ourselves. Ever heard of the saying “Fate is in your own hands”? I used to believe in that until recently, something happened to me. I might bore you with this story, but it is a true story about me and a girl that I like for 3 years.

The artworks are not that nice as I was quite tired. And it’s quite lengthy. It shows another side of Alvin. Well, I guess after this, is a new chapter in my life. Need time to get used to it.

Today, 1st of March, is her birthday. I gave her 2 presents…..1 is a bouquet of flowers (lilies, since she only likes lilies) and the other one is a comic strip. I’m going to show you the comic strip below, with a modified name to protect her identity. I actually didn’t intend to show the comic here…but well, I guess it should be ok if i hide her identity. At least, you all will know why I was so busy for the past few days.

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I met her in August 2005, in SS2 Chao Yang. I was with my sister and we were supposed to meet up with my sister’s new colleagues…one guy and one girl – the girl is her.

When she appeared, I was immediately caught by her…and 1 thing came across my mind – “Whoa, she’s beautiful! How nice if all KL girls are like this”.

But I know from my sister, that she has a boyfriend. So, I kinda gave up trying to know her more. But in a sudden twist of events….we became close friends and started SMS-ing each other quite often.

We even went with my sister and some friends to watch War of the Worlds at GSC Midvalley….where she fell asleep. Well, the movie was quite boring anyway.

Our first movie together was Initial D by Jay Chou. It was a late night movie at TGV 1U. We were late for the movie, and we bought 2 4th row, right wing seats. Fortunately, that seats weren’t that bad. The movie was very nice and funny…but as usual, she was tired and slept in the movie during the racing scenes……

And woke up during the funny parts.

Our next movie was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where me and her each called 1 of our friends to join. Somehow, the entire situation was a bit awkward.

Dec 18, 2005. A day that I will never forget. Both of us decided to go for the movie Narnia. The movie was scheduled to start at 3.30pm. But she was caught up in a very bad traffic jam and was late for 2 hours. She reached by condo at 2.30pm. Fortunately for us, we managed to find a car park in the first 3 minutes upon entering the 1U parking area.

We went to Chilis and had some simple food…….mostly finished by me. The entire meal eating session was done within 30 minutes.

We went into the cinema right before the actual movie started.

Due to our good fortune, I decided to buy the number of the car she was driving (her niece’s new Honda City) @ the Toto. I think the number was 3123 or something similar, but it came out 3113….third price….Toto. Hahah.

On the same day, I confessed…….lamely, in an e-mail. I didn’t have the guts to confess face to face. *sighs* Even writing the e-mail was very challenging for me because I’ve always feared the feeling of rejection.

And the result, as expected, is rejection. She said she wasn’t ready for a new relationship. Perhaps, it was a nicer way to say NO. I accepted and respected her decision. But I’m a stubborn person so I waited….and waited…….and waited.

Until around May 2006….when I told her that I wanted to give up because I was getting very tired. A lot of things have happened around me at that time. Deep inside my heart, I still love her a lot but I was really too tired. I wanted to take a break. So I e-mailed her again and since then, she ignored me……..for at least 6 months. No sms…no e-mail…and never answer any of my calls.

We became close again at the end of 2006. Everything back to normal. The SMS-es and e-mails…..and occasionally lilies from me just to cheer her up (and ended up quite poor due to it. haha. but i was worth it).

Throughtout these 3 years, many things have changed. Both of us have changed. I have not found anyone more suitable….and I’ve never dated anyone all these 3 years (true, there were good feelings on few people but I didn’t really pursue). To me, if I like someone, I will put all my heart into it.

And on 15th February 2008, I confessed again. This time, using a card with Calvin as the narrator and Garfield whole role is to convince her. Both are her favourite cartoon characters. I could not tell her face to face as she was too busy…too many appointments on her side….and I was going to fly off to UK again.

Until now, I have not gotten any concrete answer from her. I know she is very close with an ex-colleague of hers. They often hang out together….car pool together…..call each other…..and took a lot of photos together. My heart sank when I saw the photos….

And as for me, I was being sent to London….away from her. All these 3 years, I’ve only took 1 photo with her before and that was during my 24th birthday celebration at Swensen SS2….where I received my first gift from her – a Renoma wallet….which I am still using now…and which I am trying my best not to change.

Just like many other presents from her, I really cherish all of them. The tea leaves in the small containers, the soft toy on XMAS (Don Don…the picture is my handphone’s wallpaper), the elephant keychain, the miniature Chivas, the M & M toy, the smiley magnet and many others…..especially the Valentine’s card.

I really wish that fate can treat me better and give me the chance to spend more time with her. Unfortunately, fate always plays around with me and never let me have it my way.

After the confession, somehow, things changed. She seems to be more distant from me….further than before. Her SMS-es have been minimized….she used to SMS me a lot….. and her content of the SMS is becoming shorter…2 liners…or 3 liners at most. Perhaps this is her hint to me, the hint to her answer.

My last word,

To Ashley (of course not her real name, she doesn’t have an English name), I know I am sensitive at times…it’s because I fear of losing you to someone else. But no matter how much I fear, it’s out of my control. I’m just a good friend to you I guess.

Thanks for bringing me joy all these years. All these 3 years, I have no regret in treating you good since I’ve promised you before that I should make you happy. I know I’ve made you angry many times….the first time being the day you went to RUSH with my sis and colleagues….I’m sorry. But since then…I feel I’ve really changed.

Our mentality on life have also changed a lot. Maybe being with me will not bring you the happiness you seek. My direction is still bit blurry. I might not be able to give people the stability that many want.

And to be honest, I kinda know your answer. You gave him a very good opportunity by going out with him so often. Something I didn’t get. Guess everything is down to FATE. Maybe it’s a bit unfair to me, but it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s for your own happiness. You deserve it.

Remember that no matter what, I’m still the same old me and you will always be you. Stay cheerful, that’s the way you are. I hope you can find your happiness that I might not be able to give you.

And don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. 3 years is definitely worth the time. After all, I haven’t lost anything but gained one important thing – I’ve met the nicest and cutest girl I’ve ever met – you.

Happy Birthday. Today is the day my heart sank. But it’ll float again. No worries. Hope you’ll have a wonderful birthday.